Whispers of Reason

I find myself thinking about my children when they were younger,  full of joy and smiles,  happy and innocent.  Both of my children are teens now, 16 and 18.  While they are both severe autistic and non-verbal. I can still see a change in their eyes.  In many ways they are still small children. However there are times I see it.  When my son is frustrated because he can't express his thoughts clearly. Or my daughter doesn't understand why she can't have what she wants when she wants it.  It honestly breaks a part of me.  I keep reminding myself that while I might not be able to "fix" them, at least I can fight for them to smile.  I have tried public schools a few times. They were only concerned with my kids being quiet and not a bother and absurd rules that did not matter.  A primary example was shoes.  Often times due to sensory related issues my son would only wear his crocs. Yet instead of allowing him to attend school they would choose that as a battle worth disrupting his progress. They were more concerned about him fitting their mold than his quality of life and progression.  They would focus on things that do not matter whole ignoring things that did.  They cared so much about his shoes yet refused to take him to the restroom, instead placing him in diapers.  It took a public school a total of 4 weeks to undo 7 years of potty training. Something that is still a fight thanks to them.  I have realized over time that the world does not want my kids happy and loud, dancing and making noise. They want them quiet and invisible.  They want them to fit in a mold that does not get in their way.  Personally I say to heck with that idea.  My children might not fit the idea of what they "should" be.  But they are happy, unique and full of joy.   My deepest prayer is they can keep that throughout life.  

Today my son reminded me how much of a child he can be.  We got home for my daughter's PT session and I got them inside and settled. And I look out the front window to see my son running across the yard with the biggest cheese ball grin holding a frog in one hand and a turtle in the other.  Boy was living his best life.  The look of pure joy on his face.  It is moments like that that make the pain, sleep deprivation, stress and anxiety worth it. One "ugly laugh" and all of the bad no longer matters.  

AutPops

P.S. it's 1:40 am and they are finally asleep. Time for me to do the same. Goodnight y'all. 

Picture is my little girl when she was much younger.  The face says it all I think. Such an angel.